Originally written for Brobomb.com, I feel comfortable coming out and saying I wrote this, hoping some sort of statute of limitations on offensiveness has expired.

There’s some things you should know about me… As most of us head drearily towards adulthood, up mountains all over the world you will find an elite band of Peter Pans staving off real life in pursuit of a few more sweet turns. Addicted to the nectar of slaying groomers, and angulating to the correct degree, pity these fellows who in reality lie trapped in a bizarre snow globe of sin and vice, trussed up in a nice red jacket and pushed out to face the baying mob. Here are their secrets:

1. Despite what I say, I am never ‘stoked’ nor do I ever wish to be.

2. You falling over is not my problem, it is the second hour of the lesson now, you should be better at following me where I want to ski.

3. We may come across as confident and well adjusted people, but Ski School is a cult and we are subservient to those of a higher level.

4. Level 4’s have the right to feast upon your firstborn if they so desire.

5. I’m not that much better at skiing than you…

6. …Oh wait, I definitely am, watching you ski away was revolting.

7. Your children are racist. Christmas Eve 2010, a young lad points a snotty mitten in the direction of an African American classmate, and booms “Hey Coach! Who’s the brown guy?”

8. Not into park skiing? I don’t care! Lets go anyway, there are girls to impress with my History Spins (359° and under)

9. Sorry kids, Coach isn’t feeling the XL down-rail today (or ever)

10. All snowboard instructors over the age of 25 think they are Yaggi from Cool Boarders 2.

11. I am drunk 40% of the time. Morning lesson? Refunds at the desk.

12. Yes Sir! Tipping in crates of beer is completely acceptable. No Sir, tipping in change is not. Take your fist of coins back…

13. When it comes to soiling yourself, I operate on a strict don’t ask, don’t tell policy.

14. I will never admit to my profession on Newschoolers. “Yeah, f*** ski school posers! How do I do a backflip?”

15. No matter how many times I say “It’s the best job in the world!” or “Welcome to my office!” I don’t mean it. I am cold, tired and would trade it all in a second for a reasonably well paid regular job with central heating.

16. My first season was nothing like Aspen Extreme. “What do you mean ‘there’s no Playboy centrefold jacuzzi party’?!”