Written in early 2013 as a reaction to some of the dull fare being served up by the men in the Match of the Day Studio. 

Every Saturday in football season, you get another chance to groan at the banalities of the BBC’s flagship football program, Match of the Day. The program with the most recognisable theme tune in all the land is now so cliché it has unknowingly become a Partridge-esque parody of itself, with idle pundits offering little to no insight into the world’s most popular game. I now barely look up from my phone during the studio sequences so turgid it has become; instead I should probably be playing some form of MOTD bingo, checking off the weekly inanities of seemingly disinterested pundits.

Even the light hearted wry wit of Colin Murray has been taken away from Match of the Day 2 on a Sunday, Mark Chapman taking over and offering up more of the bland fare that has made MOTD what it is today. While defenders of the show will haughtily point to positive viewing figures, it does them little credit as MOTD is the only terrestrial highlights show available. Without competition, it has grown a comfy middle aged spread.

So uninspired was I by a recent showing from Shearer, Lawrenson et al. I drew up a list of some of the squares you would be sure to find on the ‘MOTD Banality Bingo Card’:

A1: Gary Lineker asks Alan Hansen, a career centre-back, to evaluate a striker; when in fact as one of the best strikers of his generation he is unquestionably best placed to provide us with the most insight.

A2: Mark Lawrenson looks disinterested, shrugging away questions as if he doesn’t want to be there.

A3: At least 3 of the 4 shirts being worn in studio are borderline offensive and would cause you to actually die of embarrassment if worn by a family member or loved one.

A4: Jonathan Pearce screams through a commentary like he’s still on Robot Wars.

B1: Lineker tells a joke that has even Hansen rolling his eyes in utter contempt.

B2: The camera zooms in on a player being booked; a sure fire sign that he will be sent off later in the highlights.

B3: The phrase: “Lovely finish, gave the ‘keeper no chance” is used.

B4: You find yourself rolling your eyes, wishing you were watching Gary Neville’s insightful hour of actual analysis on Sky Sports before the Monday Night Football game.

C1: Hansen criticizes a defender for not being like him; part of one of the most successful sides in English football history, winning 3 European Cups.

C2: Alan Shearer offers up such penetrating analysis as “QPR haven’t won many games this season. If they’re to stay up they’ll need to win some more,” and: “Defenders don’t like strikers who try to score goals.”

C3: Any of the panellists makes a terrible quip.

C4: You wish Lee Dixon was back, the only man to occasionally attempt to scratch beyond the surface of just describing what is happening on screen.

D1: In a post-match interview, Garth Crooks takes upwards of 30 seconds to ask a question that elicits a one word answer.

D2: The phrase “He won’t like that” is used by any commentator.

D3: Alan Shearer is wrong about anything.

D4: Mark Lawrenson transcends to a higher plane of existence leaving behind only a small box containing some wrong score-line predictions and the ghost of his moustache.

Tick all these off and you will be the proud winner of some Alan Shearer brand spectacles that enable you to see the most nuanced and beautiful sport in the world, in the dullest and most one-dimensional way possible. Save us, Gary Neville.